SPUNKY MONKEY Press
Editor and Chief, Harum Scarum
Edition: Jan. 8, 1999: Elvis' Birthday

TRUE NEWS

Release the Press: True News

"Dating Dippers Can Be Deadly"

Lincoln, NB (Knight-Rider) Sally Wright once walked the halls of her high school with a cheerful smile on her face. Now she walks the halls with a scarf wrapped around her mouth.

Sally's lower jaw was removed earlier this year in an effort to stop the spread of cancer which is rapidly eating away at her mouth. At 16 Sally is a tragic victim of mouth cancer, a tragedy worsened by the fact that she has never taken so much as a pinch of snuff in her life.

But the same doesn't apply to her boyfriend "Carl."

"Carl" (name changed to protect identity) was an avid consummer of smokeless tobacco. On average, he consummed nearly 3 cans of smokeless tobacco a day.

"I wasn't too worried about myself," states Carl with a boyish smile which Sally certainly found attractive. "My granddaddy did it, and my daddy did it, and they didn't get mouth cancer, so I figured I was okay."

Carl continues. "If I'd known that Sally could catch it from me, I probably never would have started." Discussing the unsuspected consequences of his actions, Carl looks down at the ground, brings a hand to his eyes, and wipes away his tears. "How was I to know she was going to get cancer?"

According to scientists at the Texas Institute of Technology, preliminary studies in "second-hand" snuff had begun only months before Sally was diagnosed. Only now do they have scientific proof.

Dr. Mark Mayer states, "We've known for quite some time that smokeless tobacco was cancer-causing, but only recently have we discovered this tragic side-effect."

When asked about how the disease is spread, Mayer replies, "The tobacco travels from one party to the other through the mixing of saliva associated with deep, or french- style, kissing. Then the tobacco particles settle in the cheek or gum of the unsuspecting, non-dipping party. Due to the high state of arousement, neither party is aware of the exchange when it occurs."

However, Mayer claims there is no cause for individuals dating dipers to be alarmed as long as they follow a few simple rules.

"Already, we have found ways to combat this exchange of snuff," states Mouer. "One is the abstaining from deep-mouth kissing, and the other is maintaining good dental hygiene."

Educators, however, believe these rules are virtually useless and fear an epidemic among the teen population.

Says Larry Doggett, principal of Eastside High in Lincoln where at least 3 victims, 2 girls and 1 boy, have been unsuspectingly snared by snuff, "Even though the government has imposed stricter fines on convience stores who illegally sell smokeless tobacco, as well as other forms of tobacco, to minors in order to stop this abuse, the legislature can do very little to stop teenage dating."

Interestingly enough, one school has done just that.

Nancy Griggs, principal of Riverside High, has not only forbidden any public displays of affection between students at her school, but she has asked that each one of her students sign a contract in which the students promise to forgo dating until after graduation.

"So far, we have not seen any results, but I firmly believe this policy is working," states Griggs.

"You can't stop dating," says one unnamed Riverside student. "Sure, I signed the contract, and so did everybody else I know, but that doesn't stop us from making out. It's hormones."

Aside from the questionable effectiveness of this policy, there are other problems associated with such action.

Tyrell Dobbs, student body president of Riverside, believes such a policy is unconstitual and has even brought a lawsuit against the school district after he was suspended from school for refusing to sign the contract. Dobbs was also stripped of his presidency.

As a result of his impending lawsuit, Dobbs was unable to comment on these matters, but his lawyer, Able Jackson, had this to say. "I will certainly not argue that we might have a possible, even a likely epidemic on our hands, but we cannot violate first amendent rights in any situation."

The trial is set for May.

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